Passing through

This is now
Caught in the silence
There is peace
Nothing
I, alone

And all the things that used to be
Pass by in a haze at the corner of my eye
I don't wince
Don't take note
I can barely even tell they're there
But they are

A ghost
Walking in an empty shell
Ignoring the questions
Nowhere near the answers

Stillness
Solitude
Silence
Slowly drifting into the blur
Dreaming
Of something that was
Or is
Or can never be
Of nothing, nothing more

Aftermath

Every breath tightens
Darkness surrounds
A single picture remains
The consequences of our decisions
They haunt us incessantly
We have to live through the pain
Hoping that time will take its course
So we can learn to be free again

Time stood still

Again, you caught me by surprise. I looked ahead and I saw you. Even your shadow was enough, even without a smile, to make my whole world stop. I caught myself in a moment, when I realized that you were there. I knew you were going to be there, I knew I was going to see you, but somehow I never readied myself for the moment.

You were busy, and I was busy, and I just pretended to be too busy to stop and talk to you. But in a fleeting moment, I said hi, and you said hi, and we went about our own ways. I was too much of a coward to stop and actually talk to you. Cause why would I do that? It's not like we're good friends. We just know each other. We've worked together, sure, but we never really got to interact directly.

Hours later, I force myself to go to where you are, wanting for a chance to see you again. I see you and I pretend to do something close to where you were sitting. You don't notice me. I lose courage and leave again.

Then, standing in defeat meters from where you are, I remember all my missed opportunities and that mantra I learned a month before: it's better to say too much, than never say what you need to say.

So I pick myself up, and nervously walk to where you are again. I get there. You're still there. I do the same thing I did just a few minutes prior, take in a gulp, then walk towards you.

I say hi. I mutter aimless words, nonsense thoughts, pleasantries that probably don't mean a thing. It was the most awkward two minutes I've had in a long time. And at the risk of making a complete idiot of myself, I was happy at just being able to talk to you.

I don't even remember what I was saying. All I know was that I was looking at you and was totally distracted by how beautiful you were, but not just in the way that beauty is prescribed by popular culture. More than that. Your beauty emanates from your whole being and strikes through to my core.

I looked at you--as I continued to babble like an idiot--and I spoiled myself in all the beautiful little details of your face: the little creases around your mouth and cheeks that form when you talk, the shape of your lips, the slight difference between how your eyes seem to smile and stare, the dorkiness of your spectacles, the fairness of your skin, the way your hair falls on your face, how I can never really tell if you're smiling or giving a sarcastic pout, how I don't know what you're thinking by the way you look at me, the depth, contentment, and emptiness in your eyes, the tenderness and vulnerability in your demeanor, every little detail.

I am a fool. But at least I got to talk to you. And I firmly believe that it is infinitely better to be a fool and have talked to you than to just write about you. It's better that you think I'm weird, or am a dork, or that I'm a clueless, helpless, little boy with a giant crush. At least I would have made a tiny imprint in your life.

It seems like I'll be seeing more of you and I am praying for more opportunities to be with you. If we could be better friends, I would already be eternally grateful.

There really are people who are just pure magic. You are one of those people. I hope that one day, I'll end up with someone like you.

Airport Girl

I was still groggy from waking up early and rushing to the airport to make it to our 6:00 flight. I wasn't even talking to my friend. We had just gone through 4 days of girl spotting and everything guys find amusing and were convinced that it was the end of it all. Our best night was our first night and it had gone down hill from there. Minutes from our flight back, we had conceded. The battle was over. We were shifting back to our normal personas and characters.

Leaning on the wall of the departure area, facing the slowly building crowd, I was listening to my ipod trying to find the right song to fit the mood. Families, friends, lovers, and strangers were slowly passing through the security check, which seemed to separate the rivalry of vacation and the inevitability of their real lives that awaited them. Metal detector, bag check, find a seat, wait.

And then a vision. I move about my seat to try to get a clearer view.

Big glasses, shorts, Jansport bag, Crocs, Nike Football jacket, music player. Fair, petite, cute, independent, feisty, charming. Alone.

I watch her find a seat. Directly in front of me, albeit with 8 people in between. I scoot about to try to get a better image. I automatically tick off pros from my built-in checklist. I analyze the possible cons, and impressed, I cross them out one-by-one.

Why is she alone? Is she waiting for someone? Did she notice me staring?

I try to think of how I could talk to her, but nothing comes to mind. I retreat back to my ipod, still occasionally stealing a glance or two, admiring God's creation on hand.

There should be a song for this scene. Forward, forward, forward, wait, she's gone. I look around the departure area. Nowhere. To my left, to my right, oh. She just passed me, coming from the bathroom. I looked at her and her big eyeglasses looked back at me for a half-second. Just a half-second, it must have been just a fleeting glance. I spot the side of her neck and see how her hair flows into her pony. What is this girl doing?

She looks around and tries to find a seat. Someone got hers already. There's a free seat beside me. But it's too far from where she's standing. She settles somewhere close to her original position.

After a while, she stands again and buys food from outside. This is it. This is my chance. I struggle with my self for a bit. But after a few minutes of deliberation, a few minutes too long, I stand up and make my way back to the pre-departure area.

I get through, look around, and enter the only other door. Just people smoking. What? She's not here either. Oh, it's a smoking room. Where did she go? There, outside. I move back to pre-dep and pretend to ask around where I could get food, waiting for her to pass my way. What's taking her too long? This just won't do. I retreat back to departure and slump back in my seat.

I finally tell my friend of what I've been trying to do.

Nothing. I retreat to my ipod again.

Time to board. This is it. We stand at the same time and are lined up going to the plane together. Not the right time to say anything. I'm standing behind her at the stairs. She's right there but I've nothing to say. We board the plane. She's a window seat to the right, I'm a window seat to the left. Nothing here. Let's wait till we get off.

Last chance. NAIA 3. She hurries out of the plane, through the eternally long corridors, and into the baggage claim area. I bid my friend goodbye and tell him that it's a lost cause.

Coming into the open space of the baggage turnstile, the bags have not been loaded, and she's sitting by herself on a bench at the end of room. I take a second to pretend to assess that the bags are not there yet and I sit beside her.

This is it. I think of what to say. Should I say something about where we came from? Should I say something about the airport? Such a big space for such a small flight. That was my line. Should I just say hi? She stops texting and removes her headphones. This is really it. It's now or never. She's giving me another entry point. What should I say? Should I turn and say it? Should I just talk out loud. That sounds like a really cheesy line. But what else is there to say?

A man walks by with two giant Mickey Mouse stuffed toys in his trolley. I blurt out a pathetic excuse for a chuckle. That could be the ice breaker. Say something. The bags start to move. Come on man, say anything. She picks up her things and stands up.

I am dumb.

I lost out on an opportunity there. And although she could have been just another girl. I still didn't do anything. I tried to find a last minute Hail Mary play before she left the airport, but the opportunity never presented itself. I was all, if she passes by again, there is no way in hell that I'm not talking to her. But she didn't. I ended up making my sundo wait an extra 10 minutes. 20-minutes later, I got hit by an SUV.

I probably put too much into it, but if I had just talked to her, I wouldn't have gotten hit by that SUV. It's like fate was punishing me for my lack of courage. It was like destiny smacked me up-side the head for not acting on the opportunity it had presented to me. For all I know, she could have been the one, and I was too caught up with pride to not do anything about it.

I hated myself for that morning. It was a week and a few hours from right now, as I come close to ending this post.

Lesson learned. It's better to say too much, then never say what you need to say.

I will not let you down again destiny. Give me one more chance.

And now

You had a choice back then
You could have stayed with what you had
Or you could have followed your heart
Listened to your gut
Did what seemed was the wrong thing to do
Took a dive
Took a risk
Closed your eyes
And leapt

I couldn't blame you for staying put
That's what I would have done too
Perhaps too scared to make a mistake
Or too safe to trust fate
Too distracted to see what was in front of you

But where I was
Having met you
I had no choice
I took a deep breath
Swallowed my pride
And jumped into the unknown

Our lives would have been so much different if you had
I can't even begin to imagine the possibilities
But that was how the cards were dealt and played
That was our destiny and our choice

And yet somehow
Through some divine mystery
Life has led our paths to cross once more
This time with different choices
None simpler
Nor easier
But the decisions are ours to make
Not of time
Nor distance
But ours and ours alone

Early riser

I wake up this morning
To stillness in the breeze
When the world is just taking its time
Cause there is nothing on the agenda
Of a thousand so things I am the only one astir
In the cool dead air
My heart beats out of sync

As you are the Goddess of beauty and art
By whose finger's touch my heart blossomed
And from the mundane, I have come alight with awe
As it was you who gave the words
That sparked in me so many others
And has changed my view of this world, for the better
As you are the one who got away
Because of the wrong place and time
Then, and perhaps right now
But who's actions tell the world
That it is time for redemption
I think to myself, as I long for you
You who are so far away, in miles and in thought
Perhaps I could lead you here with my words
Words you will never see, but which the world will hear
If love's powers abound, then my words will lead you to me
And as I know that you are a student of life's light
Somehow, the world will conspire for you to hear what is not said
Feel what is not expressed
And be where we have to be

The sun rises a bit more
The world slowly mumbles and wakes
The picture slowly dissipates
The ghost of you remains
My time has come up
But ours is only beginning

Cusp

I have been caught in the terrible bliss of the bitter for the longest time. When it arrives, I accept it and swallow it whole. I let it seep into the core of me, covering every inch of me until I cease to feel it anymore. There is an unrisen delight in the darkness, in that the sweet is not as sweet without the bitter. And for all my woes, all my suffering in solitude, there is an unbearable light in the end. A light that turns every single minuscule bit of bitterness into sheer delight.