I had an emotional collapse today. Everything that's been happening suddenly became too heavy. I broke down. I couldn't help myself. I tried to keep my emotions intact, but I couldn't stop them for surfacing. I let out so much pain, hurt, guilt, and disappointment.
I only realized today how deep my love for my family is. I've always thought that we weren't a typical happy home, that we were mostly indifferent about each other's lives. But I realized today how deep our ties really are. I felt how much love we have for each other.
I thought about my relationships with my Mom and my brother. I've had lots of drama with them. I know all my faults. I'm sorry that I did them wrong. It hurts me to see them hurt. I cry when they cry.
I also thought about the emotional roller coaster I've been going through at work. The drama has culminated. Months of internal conflict and emotional struggle are finally coming to a close.
I also thought about all my relationships. How I've been unfair to so many people. To this day, I bear the guilt of all the years past. I'm still trying to bury the hatchet.
I remember how I've feigned affection, how I've pretended to care, how I've been so selfish. And I'm ashamed.
I let it all out tonight. I can't explain why, but it all just came out tonight.
I'm going through a tough stage in my life and I've been realizing a lot of things about myself, among which are my faults. I've committed many mistakes. I'm not proud of some things. I've been carrying my cross. And like I've mentioned, I'm grateful for all these things, for the emotional breakdown. My friend was right, I carry my heart on my sleeve. I care too much. I have a big heart. I'm very contemplative. And at the end of the day, that's a good thing. Cause now I find myself wanting to live a better life, wanting to cherish all my relationships, wanting to be the person who I know I ought to be.
It feels good to have broken down. I want to keep this peace.
2 comments:
wow mig, i didn't realize the gravity of what you were feeling. sorry if i wasn't of much help last night. :D
anyway, i think you're putting way too much burden on your shoulders. it's all right to cry, to be selfish, to be wrong, and to hurt. it's all a part of life. i know that i'm not in the position to tell you this, because we're not really that close, and i don't know the details of your life. but hey, it's just a friendly advice. i hope you look past this and realize how a good and genuine person you are too.
magconcert na lang tayo at magsims2. hehe jk!
if it's any consolation, i'm just here if you need anyone to talk to. i'm just a BUZZ!!! away. :D
i can feel what you're going through just by reading your entries. you are tougher than it seems ;)
hay, i just wish, i would understand my ate more...sad..she tells me i don't listen, i just hear. but i try...it's just so frustrating when you're trying to change already but you still make mistakes that you don't intend to make at all.
foul ba talaga ako minsan humirit? argh...
but i firmly believe (to quote from Blessed Marie Eugenie) "there is strength in knowing one's weakenss and accepting it" and going beyond it.
the in-betweens are tough but that's what builds character.
sometimes it just feels better after crying your heart out..ehehe we should know (owange and i) =p we're crying buddies haha.
doesn't it feel lighter? =)
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