I'll meet you halfway

You are an incredibly wonderful woman who deserves to and will be loved and respected. We belong together, you and me. We are meant for each other, you and me. And in this big and messed up world, the Gods will conspire for us to meet, fall in love, and spend the rest of our lives together. So my most beloved, please hang in there and continue to hope, dream, and wonder. Don't settle for anyone else because you're the only one who'll complete me. You're the only one who'll tame my heart.

Don't give up, keep on looking, and don't worry if you ever feel tired of it all. I'll meet you halfway.

The 24th

Living such a humbled life. Perched on the 24th slab, I examine what life there is beyond this glass prison. Where have all my dreams retired?

I watch the cars below. They remind me of the toys I used to play with as a kid. They seem to move in unison, though I know better than that. They almost always just think for themselves. They are all their own kings of the road. And their destination is the only one that matters. They have a rightful claim to each of their paths. They think as individuals. They have no sense of oneness. But from up here it's clear that they are bound together by a greater force and they think and act as they are meant to, with or without them knowing so.

I look around and see that I am surrounded by towers of glass. Clear sheets separate the world as we know it and the secret world that thrives inside these tall structures. These sheets are one-sided. Outside, they give off a reflection of the world. See what you want to see, but don't see more than what's on the surface. After a while, these marvelous mirrors seem impersonal. Who knows what monsters run the wheels of commerce? No one does. Everyone has an idea, but no one pursues them. We all acknowledge the existence of the evils that be, but everyone is involved, so everyone just doesn't talk.

I look around again and I see the sky peeking in on this man made wonderland. That is the sky of my youth. The sun of all my hopes and aspirations.

Where are my sunny days? When will the trees embrace me again? When will I run through the green fields? It was another lifetime since I last felt that free.

All that surround me now are concrete walls. I am bound by chilling rows of glass. This white light tries to replace the sun. This cool air tries to replace the wind. This desk tries to replace a life. This world tries to replace a dream.

Voice messages

She was one of my best friends in highschool. We remained friends through college, but it just wasn't the same. As with all the could-have-beens in my life, she went on to find a boyfriend right after it was clear that we were just friends.

We used to talk all the time. She's a sweet little thing. I love her to bits. It was another case of my heart telling me to do something, but my head refusing because it was too distraught.

I missed her when she got into a relationship. I missed her when she got new friends. I missed her when I'd see her around and not know anything about her life.

This one time she was crying. She was going through a break up. I was there to comfort her. And in the middle of her sobs, she paused to ask me why I tell her that I love her. Looking back, it was very foolish of me to have been telling her that. Maybe I added to her confusion. But I did love her. Maybe not in a romantic way (okay, almost in a romantic way) but I cared for her and was genuinely concerned for her.

Yes, those were the days of my foolish youth. And my actions still have repercussions to this day.

Just for a while

A longing look,
a hidden smile,
a brush of skin
that lasts
just for a while.

A love you deserve

I wish for you a love you deserve
A love that’s just right for you
The kind that feels comfortable,
That feels like you’re coming home

I wish for you a love that’s effortless
A love that’s honest and sincere
Not giving in to foolishness and games
The kind that loves because it loves

I wish for you a love to last forever
A love that never fades nor mellows
The kind that touches the soul
That lives beyond your last breath

I wish for you a love that’s real
A love that fills your heart
And completes your soul
A love you truly deserve

Unsent

Welcome to the world of things that can't be said,
of people missed without them knowing,
of heartbeats raising, heavy breathing, and cold sweat.
Welcome to the world of things unsent.

I'll find you

Your eyes will speak a million truths
with none greater than the fact
that life has started anew
when our lives crossed paths.

Acceptance

It's back!

There are some things you just have to do. There are some things you just have to accept. And you have to learn that there are some things you just have to give up.

There's no shame in the past.

Twelve More

12 markers,
12 days,
12 lonely hours

A solitaire hand tirelessly toils
Round and round
With a single sound
Foolishly running up and abound

Never finding end,
nor time to rest,
nor think nor feel nor mourn

It does only what it knows,
what it should,
what is innate,
what he thinks anyone else would.

For him time is frozen
and the world is dead
Cause no matter how much he moves,
nothing changes,
and everything stays the same.

The minutes are exhausting,
the hours are months never passing,
and existence is debt to be paid.

Ebb and flow

She comes like the tides,
And leaves like a tempest.

An examined life

I read through Unsent tonight. I want to bring it back. I'll just screen some entries and it'll be back. It's been a nice journal. I'm proud of my posts. I'm just not particularly proud of what's been happening to me lately. I've been blunt and reactive. And that has to be censored. I'll just hide that somewhere else.

Kuya Ko

Let's reverse the roles for a little while
I'll be the one to make you smile
I'm grateful for everything you do
Big brother, this one's for you

I can’t help but grin at the thought of you
I’ve grown accustomed with us two
We've had our fun, we've had our sighs
We've spent days under clear blue skies
You're always there when I need a shoulder
Even when the nights grow colder
Your arms are there to keep me warm
And you make me feel safe from harm
You cheer me up when my eyes get wet
You know what I'll say without me knowing yet
When I need someone, I turn to you
You take away the clouds and blues
I've always wanted someone like you
With you there's so much I can do
I'm grateful that you're here with me
And that we got closer eventually

But sometimes I just can't read you right
Sometimes your gaze is out of sight
There’s something I don’t know, I fear
I’m sure that once I’ve seen you tear
Why don’t you talk, what’s on your mind?
I want to know, don’t keep me blind
Is it me, is it something I did to you?
Or maybe it’s something I didn’t do?
What’s wrong my friend, I’ve got to know
I hate to see you down this low
Please stop this game, you’ve got to tell me
Please make it clear, please make me see
Let me help you take the burden off your shoulder
What’s wrong my friend, what’s wrong my brother?

Perspective

There are things people should know and things they shouldn't. There are things you hide and things you leave out in the open. However, there are also those things that you try to keep hidden but want other people to see.

Clutter

My desk clutter moves in waves. Things come and go and get around. People pass by over and over again, some stop for a while, some more often than others. Work is a mess occasionally, but it works itself out eventually. The mundane, the stress filled, and the exciting continue with its ebb and flow. I float along, I roam about, I sit and wait and stare.

I am fixed on an image which seems to be staring back. A motionless void of either hope or misery.

Not another mistake

I was reading through the mountains of journal entries and poems I've kept through the years. It's funny how some things haven't seemed to change. Some entries seem like I wrote them yesterday. At least I was successful in capturing the moment.

Anyway, after reading entries from years ago, I realized that I could have made the same mistakes if I hadn't come across the entries. It's pretty shocking. It's a giant slap on the face. It's screaming at me to wake up. I feel disgusted.

I want to kill this blog.

Pang tawid gutom

Pang tawid gutom lang tayo para sa isa't-isa
Wag sana tayong mawili sa pangakong walang pagasa

Pass us by

It’s only a matter of time before you realize what you’ve been missing. It’s only a matter of time before you realize what you’ve had in front of you all this time. It’s only a matter of time before you’ll realize what you really want, what you’re willing to put up with, and what you want to do about it.

In time, I’ll get over it. In time, I would have completely come to my senses. In time, it’ll be too late. In time, I would have moved on. In time, it would already be a different story.

Maybe we were in the wrong place at the wrong time. We were caught in circumstances. I was ready. I was happy. You needed someone new. You needed someone like me for you. We could have made it, but we didn’t.

Now, I guess I’m not so dumb. I’m learning to play the game again. I’m learning to be strong. I guess now, I’m going to have to let this go. Maybe we’ll just never know what we let pass us by. Maybe it’s time to say goodbye.

Falling too fast

I’m falling in love with a friend.

I remember the first time I saw her. I was wowed right over. She was wearing an orange dress. She had her hair up. I remember following her chinky eyes when she smiled. I wondered who she could be as we shared the table for the night. I remembered her name. I wanted to get to know her more. I hoped that she was unattached.

Yes, I’m pursuing someone who’s in a relationship. But it’s not as bad as it seems.

I hope that it’s not just me, but we click together really well. We react the same way. We share common interests. We think alike. We work well together. We fit comfortably.

Because I’m so shrouded in mystery, I don’t think she knows about how I feel. I’m not so sure if she feels anything ‘cause her friends don’t ask me about anything either. So, she’s not telling her friends about us, about how we’ve been going out, about our constant messages, about our phone conversations. Then I realize again, that maybe she does just see me as a fun older bother who she wants to hang out with. That hurts twice as much. As if her still being in love with her boyfriend isn’t bad enough, I end up as the dork trying to force his way in her life who has no chance of being more than just a friend.

Now I feel like a fool. Everyone’s counting down the days till Christmas while I sit here and mope. I’m thinking about her and how her test went. I’m wondering how she’ll manage her commute home. I’m wondering how Christmas this year will be like. The past few Christmases have been bare. The past few Christmases have seemed a tad incomplete. I wonder what this year’s going to be like.

I can just imagine that guy butting in on Christmas day out of nowhere, like he did on her birthday. She’ll fall for him in an instant, bringing back all the memories they’ve shared through the years that they’ve been together. They have years while we barely have one. They’ve been together forever, and we’ve seen each other less than ten times so far. Look at what I have to compete with. A hundred little acts of thoughtfulness, kindness, and love from me can be wiped out by a few sweet words that mean nothing from him. Look at the mountain I have to overcome.

And yes, I have a grand time with her. I enjoy being with her. I love her company. We talk about anything and everything and we’ve already grown comfortable with each other. If we have silences, they’d be comfortable, and we don’t even have silences anymore.

And yet, I remember one of the first things she ever told me when we started chatting. She told me how odd it was to find someone she was absolutely comfortable with, finding someone who seemed like she knew all her life.

Christmas time last year, she would ring my phone because I wasn’t online. She’d look for me when I wasn’t around. But she comes with the tides. She comes and she goes. She’d be around me like a tropical storm, and then fade away, leaving me with wreckage.

I feel like a fool. I don’t want to fall for her, but I’m starting to.

Love can be a sick and painful game sometimes. I’m falling for someone who’s in love with someone who doesn’t seem to love her anymore. It hurts me to see that she’s hurting. I want her to be happy. If her happiness means that they get back together, I’ll take the hit and carry on. It hurts, but there’s nothing I can do about it anymore.

It hurts to hear that she still loves him. It stings to the bone. I shatter like glass and tread on the shards that don’t seem to want to end.

This has been going on for quite a while. I’ve just been trying to keep my feelings at bay. But something happened and I couldn’t help it anymore. You can blame it on my frailty, but it’s here and it’s happened and I’m caught. I’ve dug a hole that’s too deep to climb out of. I’ve gone too far from the shore. I’m drowning in this tragedy.

I’ve started to confide in people about this. I’m even confiding to her friends. This is the start of the end. This is the start of the downfall, the eventual collapse of my pride.

Well, I hope that I'm not just shit in her life. I hope that she comes to her senses. I hope that she takes the steps to become happier. I hope we can get to spend more time together and eventually, I want to help make those tears into smiles and help her make new memories.

I remember one of the first things she told me was whether I thought it was possible for two people of the opposite sex to have a really good platonic relationship. That’s after she asked me if I’d ever met someone whom I thought I knew for a very long time, someone who I just click with it, someone who I’m just comfortable with from the get go.

You know the more I think about this, the harder it seems to think of a happy ending. The more I think about all the signs, the more I think that I’m just being played. I’m a pawn. The player has been played.

It’s hard. I want to ask her how much she still loves him. I want her to tear my heart into pieces.

You’re waiting for him, I’m waiting for you, and no one’s waiting for me. I’m dying here willing for your name to show up. I’m dying for you to care enough to say hi or tell me how you’re doing. I’m dying for you to miss me and to love me. And all of these things are exactly how you’re feeling for him.

Irony: You ask me who’s breaking my heart. You tell me that it doesn’t deserve to be broken.

Is this karma? Is this feigned affection getting back at me?

Wishes

I hate it when he isn't there
I hate it when he doesn't seem to care
I hate it when he turns on you
I hate how you don't know what to do
You don't deserve to be treated that way
Please listen to what I have to say

I wish you'd learn to do what's right
I wish you won't have to cry tonight
I wish I could take away all the pain
Till only our memories remain
I wish your heart could learn to love again
And see me as more than just a friend

Bittersweet

I'll be happy if you're happy, whatever your happiness entails, even if that means the end of it all. It's bittersweet. It's being here without being here. It's happiness as a faint, fading memory, you know is there. It's shivering in the cold of the night with the thought of warmness. It's having a spoon and an empty bowl. It's sitting alone on a quiet spring day, remembering memories that never happened.

That smile

Do you know what you look like in that split second before you laugh, when your eyes pause in anticipation and your lips form a half smile?

Well, it just melts my heart.

I miss that.

Breakdown

I had an emotional collapse today. Everything that's been happening suddenly became too heavy. I broke down. I couldn't help myself. I tried to keep my emotions intact, but I couldn't stop them for surfacing. I let out so much pain, hurt, guilt, and disappointment.

I only realized today how deep my love for my family is. I've always thought that we weren't a typical happy home, that we were mostly indifferent about each other's lives. But I realized today how deep our ties really are. I felt how much love we have for each other.

I thought about my relationships with my Mom and my brother. I've had lots of drama with them. I know all my faults. I'm sorry that I did them wrong. It hurts me to see them hurt. I cry when they cry.

I also thought about the emotional roller coaster I've been going through at work. The drama has culminated. Months of internal conflict and emotional struggle are finally coming to a close.

I also thought about all my relationships. How I've been unfair to so many people. To this day, I bear the guilt of all the years past. I'm still trying to bury the hatchet.

I remember how I've feigned affection, how I've pretended to care, how I've been so selfish. And I'm ashamed.

I let it all out tonight. I can't explain why, but it all just came out tonight.

I'm going through a tough stage in my life and I've been realizing a lot of things about myself, among which are my faults. I've committed many mistakes. I'm not proud of some things. I've been carrying my cross. And like I've mentioned, I'm grateful for all these things, for the emotional breakdown. My friend was right, I carry my heart on my sleeve. I care too much. I have a big heart. I'm very contemplative. And at the end of the day, that's a good thing. Cause now I find myself wanting to live a better life, wanting to cherish all my relationships, wanting to be the person who I know I ought to be.

It feels good to have broken down. I want to keep this peace.

Image

It's nice to know that even as I admit that I am a dirty creature, after fighting with the demons in me, after finally finding the guts to admit my faults, that some people actually disagree and prove me wrong.

Stolen Moments

It's like a rainy Sunday morning, like a perfect moment that lasts long enough for you to realize that you're missing it.

Toward the end, beauty

So many things are going on right now, even as Christmas is creeping in on us.

It's getting harder to get out of bed in the morning. It's getting harder to focus.

I just want to relax, chill out, sleep in, bum, space out, shut down, deflate, cool off, hang loose, hush, settle back, simmer down, slack, settle down, and unwind.

Confessions

I'm an evil, evil person. I'm intrinsically dark. The only reason why I'm in the light is because I avoid temptation. I've come to realize that if I let myself get influenced by the wrong people, if I choose to hang with the wrong crowd, I'd be really dirty.

I've been thinking about this the last few days. I'm not as good a person as I'd like to think myself to be. I'm weak.

It seems like a bad thing to realize this, but on the other hand, at least I know myself more. At least I can be more conscious of staying away from temptation. At least I realize that I am weak and that I need Him in my life.

Stand proud

I've no reason to feel at fault. This isn't a peter pan world. I've to look out for myself cause no one else will. If anything else, feeling bad just means that I care enough to give a damn. Acknowledging that fact, I've got to take the next step, take the hot seat, and move on.

It's nothing personal. It's just business.

Gamitan

You were my pick-me-up fling. It was a never ending rollercoaster ride. It was fun for me, and terrifying for you. It would have lasted forever too, but I had to take it to the next level. I guess you loved me too much. Or so I think.

But no matter how you look at things, we will always have unresolved conflict. I want to end that conflict one day, but I don't know how.