Breakdown

I had an emotional collapse today. Everything that's been happening suddenly became too heavy. I broke down. I couldn't help myself. I tried to keep my emotions intact, but I couldn't stop them for surfacing. I let out so much pain, hurt, guilt, and disappointment.

I only realized today how deep my love for my family is. I've always thought that we weren't a typical happy home, that we were mostly indifferent about each other's lives. But I realized today how deep our ties really are. I felt how much love we have for each other.

I thought about my relationships with my Mom and my brother. I've had lots of drama with them. I know all my faults. I'm sorry that I did them wrong. It hurts me to see them hurt. I cry when they cry.

I also thought about the emotional roller coaster I've been going through at work. The drama has culminated. Months of internal conflict and emotional struggle are finally coming to a close.

I also thought about all my relationships. How I've been unfair to so many people. To this day, I bear the guilt of all the years past. I'm still trying to bury the hatchet.

I remember how I've feigned affection, how I've pretended to care, how I've been so selfish. And I'm ashamed.

I let it all out tonight. I can't explain why, but it all just came out tonight.

I'm going through a tough stage in my life and I've been realizing a lot of things about myself, among which are my faults. I've committed many mistakes. I'm not proud of some things. I've been carrying my cross. And like I've mentioned, I'm grateful for all these things, for the emotional breakdown. My friend was right, I carry my heart on my sleeve. I care too much. I have a big heart. I'm very contemplative. And at the end of the day, that's a good thing. Cause now I find myself wanting to live a better life, wanting to cherish all my relationships, wanting to be the person who I know I ought to be.

It feels good to have broken down. I want to keep this peace.

Image

It's nice to know that even as I admit that I am a dirty creature, after fighting with the demons in me, after finally finding the guts to admit my faults, that some people actually disagree and prove me wrong.

Stolen Moments

It's like a rainy Sunday morning, like a perfect moment that lasts long enough for you to realize that you're missing it.

Toward the end, beauty

So many things are going on right now, even as Christmas is creeping in on us.

It's getting harder to get out of bed in the morning. It's getting harder to focus.

I just want to relax, chill out, sleep in, bum, space out, shut down, deflate, cool off, hang loose, hush, settle back, simmer down, slack, settle down, and unwind.

Confessions

I'm an evil, evil person. I'm intrinsically dark. The only reason why I'm in the light is because I avoid temptation. I've come to realize that if I let myself get influenced by the wrong people, if I choose to hang with the wrong crowd, I'd be really dirty.

I've been thinking about this the last few days. I'm not as good a person as I'd like to think myself to be. I'm weak.

It seems like a bad thing to realize this, but on the other hand, at least I know myself more. At least I can be more conscious of staying away from temptation. At least I realize that I am weak and that I need Him in my life.

Stand proud

I've no reason to feel at fault. This isn't a peter pan world. I've to look out for myself cause no one else will. If anything else, feeling bad just means that I care enough to give a damn. Acknowledging that fact, I've got to take the next step, take the hot seat, and move on.

It's nothing personal. It's just business.

Gamitan

You were my pick-me-up fling. It was a never ending rollercoaster ride. It was fun for me, and terrifying for you. It would have lasted forever too, but I had to take it to the next level. I guess you loved me too much. Or so I think.

But no matter how you look at things, we will always have unresolved conflict. I want to end that conflict one day, but I don't know how.